People say your life is a dance on roses
They don't even know the steps
Anywhere you turn the thorns are making your feet bleed
When you run, when you sleep
the cuts get deeper

I will come looking when you hide
in my head, my deepest thoughts
From the dewy grass you are looking at the sky
Recognizing the stars, it's your home
You're not home now

How can you stay up
You're falling down
Get yourself up on your feet
You're still falling down
There's no use in hiding anymore
You're falling down

You used to fly over the clouds
Touched by the sun rays as you go
But for some reason you fell further to the ground
losing height as you steep
an angel wing-clipped

When you landed things exploded
and your splinters touched my heart
Now I'm standing here, pulling in your hand
you must fly, fly tonight
You can't stay here
It's not safe here

morgonens bussresa under kyliga himlar

Snabba steg. En, två, tre, fyra. Alla byxor äro dyra

Men inte mina, jag fick dem gratis. Av min bror

Tittar upp från mina fötter, ser dig, jag lovar tiden stanna

Rättar till min skjorta, ett allvarligt uttryck

du tror säkert jag är förbannad

Om du hade tittat alltså

Alla borde ha ett stalkerobjekt

något som kan likna ett mindre projekt

Man letar tills man blir galen, nästan knäckt

Men jag vill vad heter, vad du gör och var du bor

Var du varit, vad du gillar och vill bli när du blir stor

Det är ingen fråga om förälskelse,

jag lovar, det är inte som du tror

Det är bara något med dig som gör att jag sitter här och glor

Jag vet att du tar bussen, 07.40, varje morgon

Och det händer ju att jag åker med dig ibland

Vi är på samma plats, fast med långt avstånd

Du rättar till ditt hår när du går förbi

och jag ser

Ser dig gå förbi utan att du tittar tillbaka

Du tittar aldrig tillbaka och jag ler

För jag vet att du aldrig kommer titta

Det spelar ingen roll hur cool jag gör mig,

att jag ruffsar till mitt hår

för du kommer inte titta

För en rödlätt tjej med gröna ögon och fräknar

tittar inte på en pojkig blondin med pastellgröna ögon,

det är bara så

Fast det är helt okej, jag vill dig ingenting

Inte säga hej, inte att du tittar tillbaka

Jag vill dig ingenting

Det är knappt att jag vill veta

vad du heter, vad du gör och var du bor

Var du har varit, vad du gillar och vad vill när du blir stor

För jag vet redan vad du heter, vad du gör och var du bor
Jag vet inte var du varit, eller vad du gillar, men vad du vill bli när du blir stor

Du vill bli frisör

Pusselbitar har fallit på plats och jag är nöjd nu

Jag vill dig ingenting, jag är färdig

Titta inte.

Inte ens jag vet vad jag pratar om

Jag vill inte ha dig mer

vill bara gömma mig där ingen ser

orkar inte när folk ser på mig och ler

ler för saker som inte finns och saker som jag inte ber om

jag vill inte ha dig mer

i mina tankar

jag vill inte se dig framför mig där du springer fram till mig med öppna armar

armar som omsluter min kropp och du har mig så nära

så nära att jag kan höra dina hjärtslag, men inte dina tankar

vad tänker du?

kan man höra tankar?

jag vill inte ha dig mer

sluta få mig att tro att jag vill

jag vet vad jag vill, men ändå är jag osäker

om du säger att du vill ha mig, vad gör jag då?

vill jag ha dig om du vill ha mig? eller hur fungerar det?

jag vet ju innerst inne att du inte vill ha mig, inte som jag vill ha dig

men jag vill ju inte ha dig mer!

jag vet inte ens vad det är jag tänker

vad det är jag skriver

det bara glider fram under mina fingrar

och tangenterna skriker när jag slår på dem

men av någon anledning slutar jag inte slå

jag ska slå så hårt som det någonsin kan tänkas gå

jag vet inte ens vad det är jag tror jag vill tänka på

jag har något inom räckhåll, men det är ändå omöjligt att få

får jag tänka på dig ändå, trots att jag aldrig kan nå?

aldrig kan nå hela vägen framtill dina tankar, innuti ditt huvud

jag vet inte hur hjärnan fungerar eller hur den är uppbyggt

vet inte vad som gömmer sig långt där inne, där ingen ser

inte ens jag

det finns inte en ficklampa i världen som kan lysa upp

mina tankars mörkaste vrår

jag vill inte ha dig mer

jag är ganska säker på det.

du åker upp på vinden nu

ska ta ner dig igen när någon annan kan tänkas behöva dig

behöva dina kramar, behöva din tröst

behöva din värme, ditt skratt och din röst

men du pratar inte, du är stum

bara i min fantasi kan jag höra dig

för saker som är gjorda av tyg kan inte prata

inte på riktigt

jag ser galen ut, på riktigt, när jag pratar med dig

för du sitter bara där och stirrar på mig

jag vill inte ha dig mer!

om jag behåller dig, är jag ocool då?

du är ju inte på riktigt

När man ser tillbaka

Det jobbigaste med att gråta måste vara känslan av fullständig hjälplöshet. När näsan rinner minst lika mycket som ögonen. Hela ansiktet skrynklar ihop sig likt ett russin och allt som innan var i en normal hudton antar en rödflammig färg. Andningen blir hackig, precis som att den vägrar samarbeta i ens hopplösa försök att samla sig. Tårkanalerna sprutar upp onödiga mängder vatten och salt medan kinderna blir allt blötare och blötare. Snart är hela kudden dyngsur och inte hjälper det att man vänder på den, för andra sidan är minst lika dränkt. Huvudvärken smyger långsamt på långt bakifrån skallen på en. Förmodligen på grund av den förlorade förmågan att tänka klart. Att det ska vara så svårt att ge upp i tid. Minst sagt glamouröst.

I’m pale like snow and so very fragile,

if you play too much I’m sure I’ll break

I used to fly far up high but now I lie in bed,

a folded piece of paper with heartache

Returned from a journey, a journey with you

Strong wind and you were so uplifting

I must admit I had great fun,

In my head thoughts are constantly shifting

And once I hit the ground there were scrubs on my knees,

the bruises in heart made me cry

“I can’t believe you let me fall from that height!”,

I thought as I glanced at the sky

Hoped to get up there, to again hold your hand

but you left me to be a windless kite

Now here I lie in my bed, a folded piece of paper,

cursing myself through the night

Remembering a journey, the wind I fell in love with,

my memories are here to provoke

I’m pale and I’m fragile, you knew very well

but still you played with my guts until I broke

You can fix a kite once it’s broken

but how can it beautifully fly

when the scars are still hurting unspoken

and the desire of flying has died.

-SofiaALVrud

http://p1ggyp00p.tumblr.com/

I have my thoughts in my pocket. ♥

Sometimes you've got to just go with the flow and see where it leads you...

Not all good news are good news...

When dreams turns into nightmares.

I love dreaming just as much as I hate it. Some dreams are hilarious as hell, while others only causes you to feel confused once you wake up. More annoying is when you first have a hilarious dream that slowly turns into something resembling a nightmare. I don't think about it much while I'm awake, but my brain works at it as I sleep. My brain is probably more offended than I am. I guess that happens sometimes.

Happy Valentine

Hi. My name is Valentine. I'm twenty years old. When I was thirteen I killed both my parents. From that moment on I've been alone, still am. I fall in love with no one and I receive love from no one. That's the way I want it though. Alone is fine. Since I've become a monster.

It's a funny thing, this feeling. Something itching inside of my chest, telling me to dig it out. Scratch myself wide open. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, I can still feel how it's grabbing my heart and sucking my lungs empty. The constant terrors that plague my dreams, making the sweat fall down from my forehead as I sleep. I constantly feel volition to pierce my skin to see if I'm still a human being, made out of flesh and blood. I constantly have need to punish myself for the thoughts I'm thinking. Where do I even begin to describe the heavy thoughts I carry around with me on a daily basis? I don't know. If you were me, you'd probably not know either. But that's just life. My life.

I have a feeling you're starting to question me already, am I wrong? Why so gloomy? The world isn't as bad as you think it is. If you imagine yourself happy, you'll feel that happiness eventually. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it! Try to get a move on! - I'm afraid it's not that easy. For you see there are some things that are easy to forget and others that are impossible. I'm haunted with those kinds of memories. Constantly reminded of what I've done. Constantly feeling anguish since I know nothing can be undone. Some days I just feel like hiding away in my room. Stay there forever. However, the naked walls remind me of myself and as I look upon them I feel pathetic. I almost start to questioning myself, just the way you are right now. Though I'm probably not as strong as you are. Or maybe I'm stronger? I can do nothing but wonder how you would handle my situation, if my situation was yours.

I hate when people smile and say “I have no regrets in life. The actions I've done have made me who I am today, and I wouldn't want to change that”. I don't think it's possible not to have any regrets, though I guess it makes us who we are. I sometimes catch myself wondering what things would be like if I hadn't killed my parents all these years ago. Every time I think about it, only one conclusion pops up in my head. I can't help but thinking that I'd probably be a lot weaker. I mean, living alone at the age of thirteen isn't exactly the easiest thing to do, neither mentally nor physically. I had no home to go to, nothing to eat and probably most importantly- No family. How things would be so much easier if I could look myself in the mirror without wanting to change the image it's reflecting. The boy that stands there before me, staring into my eyes the way I stare into his, makes me feel nauseous. I wash my hands at least ten times a day, thinking that maybe the guilt that covers them will flow down the sink, along with the filthy water that just a minute ago was pure and clean. Whatever I touch breaks. Whatever I touch burns. Whatever I touch-, wherever I go-, whoever I meet will never be the same after I've left. I'm a living ghost, haunting through reality as I search for salvation. I can't find peace until I know that I am forgiven.

It's remarkable how lousy the police is around here, don't you think? I've been on the loose for years now and no one's even looking for me. There's not anyone out there who actually cares what happens here, in the slum where I live. Shit happens everyday, but we have to take care of it ourselves. The police has given up on us long ago. The truth is, no one knows of my existence but the people from my neighborhood. There are no records of me in any books or documents. The government doesn't know that I've been born, nor do they know that my parents even came to this country, all those years ago. It has it's advantages, but also it's disadvantages. I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me from doing it. No one can catch me. But if I ever get in trouble, ever get sick or hurt, I have nowhere to go. If I ever get sick or hurt, I'll probably die.

to be continued....

Stay positive always.

Be happy always.

Show your smile always.

Feel strong always.

Tell yourself that you're good enough always

- in the end you might actually believe your own lie. From then on your lie will be true.

x

One of them pretty songs...

When you recognize the lyrics...

Sometimes I think of you while I play those pretty songs. The sweetest melody with the happiest chords. Soft fingers lingering along the neck of the guitar. Little rasping sounds appear when they move from place to place as the song changes from verse to chorus. The lyrics contains the same words that describes the situation we're in. It's complicated, but sweet in a way.

I'm too afraid to sing them out loud though-

someone might understand what I'm thinking.

I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. .

I wish I could stop hesitating...

Time's standing still.

The feeling of time freezing like the ice bitten grass

in the cold of an autumn morning.

Will we ever melt? I want to feel the warmth of Spring in my Heart.

Where are my Butterflies?

Be courageous

Some things might confuse you. Some things might let you down or even hurt you. But you need to have courage. You need to be able to throw yourself into things, even though they scare you and you have no idea how they'll turn out. Give it a shot. How can you tell if what you're planning to do is a risk or a chance? How do you know that before you've done it? That's right, you can't.

What I'm talking about is not risking your lives or anything like that. I'm simply talking about taking chances to get to know people better. Take the chance to fall in love again. Take the chance to gain a new friend. Take the chance to go against your prejudices, even though you've firmly held on to them for your entire life. It shouldn't be so hard. The only thing hindering you is your own head.

Even though you feel like there's something holding you back, something that someone else did to you in the past, doesn't mean that'll happen again this time. If you let things in the past hold you back like that, you'll never be able to live life fully. You'll miss out on a lot of experiences and people that you might have cherished more than the people you already know will never appear. I'm tired of this hesitation that's growing among us. No one seem to be strong enough to take a chance, a risk, and that leads us nowhere.

I want to become a person able to overcome my own thoughts and doubts and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I don't know how people might react to this and I can only fear the worst, but at the same time I've got nothing to lose. Maybe that's the beautiful thing about it. I will still be me and I will still have my family and friends around me. I will still have the strong support that I've always had and at the same time, I'll be one experience richer. The wealthiest person on earth doesn't need money.

What's needed is courage.

So what I'm asking from you guys now is;

Have the courage to be a brave person.

Fear.
I can feel it. I don't know where it's coming from, but I can feel it and it's strong. I have no idea why it's around me so suddenly. It startled me. But maybe that's what it's all about. Fear shows up when you least want it to. You look around you more than once, just to make sure that your imagination is nothing but your imagination. You feel nervous. You jump in shock for the slightest movement. You react to things you haven't noticed before. You're careful.

Rather than being scared of pain, I'm scared of the past. It's funny how the past can make such an impact on you. As a child you think things are worse than they actually are and that can make you believe so for the rest of your life. And I'm scared of words. Loud voices. I've noticed with myself that the way I act, I do because of fear. Maybe not because I'm scared at the moment, but because the fear I felt once made me act differently. I'm more delicate and careful in my choice of words when I'm around certain people. I act the way so no one could blame me or tell me I've made a mistake. Some things just scar you for life.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anybody and I told myself never to write directly about myself in this blog, but this was the only way to put it. Feelings are sometimes necessary to put down in words. I don't feel no self pity.

Confusing hesitation and hard decisions

"Just make the right decision!"
No, making the right decisions aren't always that easy. Like being cut into two halves of one mind not knowing which part you want to believe in. What ever we do, there'll always be a consequence. Like in the morning when you're choosing what shoes you're going to wear today. One pair of sneakers and one pair of boots. You pick the sneakers, 'cause they are cooler. But in the middle of the day it starts raining, your sneakers get soaked and you wish you'd chosen your boots instead. Or if you pick your boots, but the sun turns out to be shining and the temperature's high. Your boots are too warm and you can't take them off in fear that your feet might be smelly. Then you might wish you would've chosen your sneakers.
What I'm trying to say is that no one will know what consequence your decision will have. No one can really tell if it'll be a good or a bad one.
It takes courage to make a decision. Some people can stand their whole lives hesitating and trying to consider what would be the right thing to do, while others recklessly make their decisions without flinching. If people would think things over more than once, would we be smarter or dumber? Can hesitation make us blind the same way recklessness can?

Take your time. The answer will come to you. You will make the right decision, even though it might not seem that way in the beginning.

Ai-sensei.

Love. It's a strange topic, isn't it? It can be described with so many words. It can make you feel happy, jealous, mad, frustrated, sad, lonely and even forgotten.
The moment you find someone you love, you don't think you'll ever find anyone better and that this love will last forever. When it's gone you're left heartbroken and sure it was never meant to be. It's hard to understand how blind people can be.
I believe that it was always meant to be. No matter if it last forever or just for one day. Maybe love is a teacher rather than a feeling? When love deceives you, it teaches you to be more careful. When love is hard, it teaches you to be strong. When love is great, it teaches you to enjoy things.
Love today is somewhat a competition, it seems to me. Why do you have to count days and months of a relationship? Is it to confirm to everybody else that love is still standing by your door, even though it might have left someone else? Love never leaves. It just appears in different ways.
Has love taught me something? Yes it has. It taught me to be strong, never to give up and to always be myself. The reward comes when the fight is over.
What did it teach you?