måndag 14 december 2009

I can feel it. I don't know where it's coming from, but I can feel it and it's strong. I have no idea why it's around me so suddenly. It startled me. But maybe that's what it's all about. Fear shows up when you least want it to. You look around you more than once, just to make sure that your imagination is nothing but your imagination. You feel nervous. You jump in shock for the slightest movement. You react to things you haven't noticed before. You're careful.

Rather than being scared of pain, I'm scared of the past. It's funny how the past can make such an impact on you. As a child you think things are worse than they actually are and that can make you believe so for the rest of your life. And I'm scared of words. Loud voices. I've noticed with myself that the way I act, I do because of fear. Maybe not because I'm scared at the moment, but because the fear I felt once made me act differently. I'm more delicate and careful in my choice of words when I'm around certain people. I act the way so no one could blame me or tell me I've made a mistake. Some things just scar you for life.

I don't know if this makes any sense to anybody and I told myself never to write directly about myself in this blog, but this was the only way to put it. Feelings are sometimes necessary to put down in words. I don't feel no self pity.