onsdag 15 december 2010

I have my thoughts in my pocket.

onsdag 17 november 2010

When dreams turns into nightmares.

I love dreaming just as much as I hate it. Some dreams are hilarious as hell, while others only causes you to feel confused once you wake up. More annoying is when you first have a hilarious dream that slowly turns into something resembling a nightmare. I don't think about it much while I'm awake, but my brain works at it as I sleep. My brain is probably more offended than I am. I guess that happens sometimes.

söndag 7 november 2010

Happy Valentine

Hi. My name is Valentine. I'm twenty years old. When I was thirteen I killed both my parents. From that moment on I've been alone, still am. I fall in love with no one and I receive love from no one. That's the way I want it though. Alone is fine. Since I've become a monster.

It's a funny thing, this feeling. Something itching inside of my chest, telling me to dig it out. Scratch myself wide open. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, I can still feel how it's grabbing my heart and sucking my lungs empty. The constant terrors that plague my dreams, making the sweat fall down from my forehead as I sleep. I constantly feel volition to pierce my skin to see if I'm still a human being, made out of flesh and blood. I constantly have need to punish myself for the thoughts I'm thinking. Where do I even begin to describe the heavy thoughts I carry around with me on a daily basis? I don't know. If you were me, you'd probably not know either. But that's just life. My life.

I have a feeling you're starting to question me already, am I wrong? Why so gloomy? The world isn't as bad as you think it is. If you imagine yourself happy, you'll feel that happiness eventually. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and do something about it! Try to get a move on! - I'm afraid it's not that easy. For you see there are some things that are easy to forget and others that are impossible. I'm haunted with those kinds of memories. Constantly reminded of what I've done. Constantly feeling anguish since I know nothing can be undone. Some days I just feel like hiding away in my room. Stay there forever. However, the naked walls remind me of myself and as I look upon them I feel pathetic. I almost start to questioning myself, just the way you are right now. Though I'm probably not as strong as you are. Or maybe I'm stronger? I can do nothing but wonder how you would handle my situation, if my situation was yours.

I hate when people smile and say “I have no regrets in life. The actions I've done have made me who I am today, and I wouldn't want to change that”. I don't think it's possible not to have any regrets, though I guess it makes us who we are. I sometimes catch myself wondering what things would be like if I hadn't killed my parents all these years ago. Every time I think about it, only one conclusion pops up in my head. I can't help but thinking that I'd probably be a lot weaker. I mean, living alone at the age of thirteen isn't exactly the easiest thing to do, neither mentally nor physically. I had no home to go to, nothing to eat and probably most importantly- No family. How things would be so much easier if I could look myself in the mirror without wanting to change the image it's reflecting. The boy that stands there before me, staring into my eyes the way I stare into his, makes me feel nauseous. I wash my hands at least ten times a day, thinking that maybe the guilt that covers them will flow down the sink, along with the filthy water that just a minute ago was pure and clean. Whatever I touch breaks. Whatever I touch burns. Whatever I touch-, wherever I go-, whoever I meet will never be the same after I've left. I'm a living ghost, haunting through reality as I search for salvation. I can't find peace until I know that I am forgiven.

It's remarkable how lousy the police is around here, don't you think? I've been on the loose for years now and no one's even looking for me. There's not anyone out there who actually cares what happens here, in the slum where I live. Shit happens everyday, but we have to take care of it ourselves. The police has given up on us long ago. The truth is, no one knows of my existence but the people from my neighborhood. There are no records of me in any books or documents. The government doesn't know that I've been born, nor do they know that my parents even came to this country, all those years ago. It has it's advantages, but also it's disadvantages. I can do whatever I want and no one can stop me from doing it. No one can catch me. But if I ever get in trouble, ever get sick or hurt, I have nowhere to go. If I ever get sick or hurt, I'll probably die.

to be continued....

fredag 5 november 2010

Stay positive always.
Be happy always.
Show your smile always.
Feel strong always.
Tell yourself that you're good enough always
- in the end you might actually believe your own lie. From then on your lie will be true.


måndag 1 november 2010

When you recognize the lyrics...

Sometimes I think of you while I play those pretty songs. The sweetest melody with the happiest chords. Soft fingers lingering along the neck of the guitar. Little rasping sounds appear when they move from place to place as the song changes from verse to chorus. The lyrics contains the same words that describes the situation we're in. It's complicated, but sweet in a way.

I'm too afraid to sing them out loud though-
someone might understand what I'm thinking.

söndag 31 oktober 2010

I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. I don't care. I care. .

I wish I could stop hesitating...

onsdag 27 oktober 2010

Time's standing still.

The feeling of time freezing like the ice bitten grass
in the cold of an autumn morning.

Will we ever melt? I want to feel the warmth of Spring in my Heart.
Where are my Butterflies?

fredag 15 oktober 2010

Be courageous

Some things might confuse you. Some things might let you down or even hurt you. But you need to have courage. You need to be able to throw yourself into things, even though they scare you and you have no idea how they'll turn out. Give it a shot. How can you tell if what you're planning to do is a risk or a chance? How do you know that before you've done it? That's right, you can't.

What I'm talking about is not risking your lives or anything like that. I'm simply talking about taking chances to get to know people better. Take the chance to fall in love again. Take the chance to gain a new friend. Take the chance to go against your prejudices, even though you've firmly held on to them for your entire life. It shouldn't be so hard. The only thing hindering you is your own head.
Even though you feel like there's something holding you back, something that someone else did to you in the past, doesn't mean that'll happen again this time. If you let things in the past hold you back like that, you'll never be able to live life fully. You'll miss out on a lot of experiences and people that you might have cherished more than the people you already know will never appear. I'm tired of this hesitation that's growing among us. No one seem to be strong enough to take a chance, a risk, and that leads us nowhere.
I want to become a person able to overcome my own thoughts and doubts and that's exactly what I'm going to do. I don't know how people might react to this and I can only fear the worst, but at the same time I've got nothing to lose. Maybe that's the beautiful thing about it. I will still be me and I will still have my family and friends around me. I will still have the strong support that I've always had and at the same time, I'll be one experience richer. The wealthiest person on earth doesn't need money.

What's needed is courage.

So what I'm asking from you guys now is;

Have the courage to be a brave person.