måndag 14 december 2009
I can feel it. I don't know where it's coming from, but I can feel it and it's strong. I have no idea why it's around me so suddenly. It startled me. But maybe that's what it's all about. Fear shows up when you least want it to. You look around you more than once, just to make sure that your imagination is nothing but your imagination. You feel nervous. You jump in shock for the slightest movement. You react to things you haven't noticed before. You're careful.
Rather than being scared of pain, I'm scared of the past. It's funny how the past can make such an impact on you. As a child you think things are worse than they actually are and that can make you believe so for the rest of your life. And I'm scared of words. Loud voices. I've noticed with myself that the way I act, I do because of fear. Maybe not because I'm scared at the moment, but because the fear I felt once made me act differently. I'm more delicate and careful in my choice of words when I'm around certain people. I act the way so no one could blame me or tell me I've made a mistake. Some things just scar you for life.
I don't know if this makes any sense to anybody and I told myself never to write directly about myself in this blog, but this was the only way to put it. Feelings are sometimes necessary to put down in words. I don't feel no self pity.
måndag 23 november 2009
"Just make the right decision!"
No, making the right decisions aren't always that easy. Like being cut into two halves of one mind not knowing which part you want to believe in. What ever we do, there'll always be a consequence. Like in the morning when you're choosing what shoes you're going to wear today. One pair of sneakers and one pair of boots. You pick the sneakers, 'cause they are cooler. But in the middle of the day it starts raining, your sneakers get soaked and you wish you'd chosen your boots instead. Or if you pick your boots, but the sun turns out to be shining and the temperature's high. Your boots are too warm and you can't take them off in fear that your feet might be smelly. Then you might wish you would've chosen your sneakers.
What I'm trying to say is that no one will know what consequence your decision will have. No one can really tell if it'll be a good or a bad one.
It takes courage to make a decision. Some people can stand their whole lives hesitating and trying to consider what would be the right thing to do, while others recklessly make their decisions without flinching. If people would think things over more than once, would we be smarter or dumber? Can hesitation make us blind the same way recklessness can?
Take your time. The answer will come to you. You will make the right decision, even though it might not seem that way in the beginning.
torsdag 29 oktober 2009
The moment you find someone you love, you don't think you'll ever find anyone better and that this love will last forever. When it's gone you're left heartbroken and sure it was never meant to be. It's hard to understand how blind people can be.
I believe that it was always meant to be. No matter if it last forever or just for one day. Maybe love is a teacher rather than a feeling? When love deceives you, it teaches you to be more careful. When love is hard, it teaches you to be strong. When love is great, it teaches you to enjoy things.
Love today is somewhat a competition, it seems to me. Why do you have to count days and months of a relationship? Is it to confirm to everybody else that love is still standing by your door, even though it might have left someone else? Love never leaves. It just appears in different ways.
Has love taught me something? Yes it has. It taught me to be strong, never to give up and to always be myself. The reward comes when the fight is over.
What did it teach you?
fredag 23 oktober 2009
Though I'm afraid to say that the Christmas spirit will probably die before Christmas is even started. You can already see Christmas decorations everywhere and it's just sad. It makes it less special.
I like getting people gifts more than receiving. To give someone what they truly want and not just buy something "just because" you have to give them something. That's a very precious thing to me.
What about you? What do you think? Give or receive?
torsdag 22 oktober 2009
And it's weird to think that feelings that were so gloomy this morning can be so bright and sparkling just one hour afterward. How come? Because no matter what friends are always there to support you, even though they might not know you feel bad. It's like we all have a built-in radar that tells others how we feel and automatically we start joking and laughing to prevent a bad atmosphere. What do you think??
I've got clay under some of my nails. It's not nice.
Next week is holiday for Halloween! Nice. I'm gonna cosplay Ash Ketchum. It'll be awesome. I'll recieve so much candy that everyone else will puke just by looking at it.
I don't like candy, so I'll probably give it all away.
Except from the chocolate, of course. Chocolate is fine.
söndag 18 oktober 2009
I feel so much better now. It seems like all I needed to do was meet up. That's it. Just meet up. The problems in my head flew out the window as soon as I saw your face. It felt nice. I'm glad I was able to laugh like I did today. I almost laughed my brains out.
It's actually a bit weird when that happens. You feel so bad that you almost cry. Think about it all night and fold the problems inside out but then as soon as you meet up with the person in question- it all goes away. This has happened to me a few times before. I've been mad and down but as soon as I met the person in question it was all gone.
I'm so tired that I don't even know what I'm writing here. So I'll just say goodnight and maybe you'll hear from me tomorrow!
And btw! You still suck for not leaving any comments. I'm starting to doubt that anyone actually reads this.
lördag 17 oktober 2009
Why do people care about what others think about them? And why do people love the ones who hurt them the most? It's easy to ask yourself those quiestions, but who's going to answer? I don't understand why the human being is so stupid and shallow.
I'm sick and tired of shallow subjects to talk about and I'm sick and tired of all those idiotic love songs that the radio keeps coughing up. I'm so sick of it that it makes me mad. Wherever I look around, it's all the same. Everyone seems to be talking about the same things, so I try to keep away. Why am I the only one who's gotten tired of all of this? Right now I feel like screaming. I'm very sorry to all the people I love, that I keep hiding away from you. But you must understand that I don't feel involved in your conversations anymore. They really don't interest me at all and I don't want to pretend to be interested anymore. So whenever you feel like talking about things like that, I'll back off and walk away. Shutting my ears is apparently not working anymore. It makes me frustrated. Makes me want to become a nun.
And WOAAAW, I'm updating my blog? TWICE IN ONE DAY? Fabulous, I tell you. Fabulous.
Well I said that I MIGHT update it once in a while. I'm thinking of starting to write properly again. There are a lot of things going on right now that I probably need to write about. Put my heart on a vent.
Thanks for reading, even though none of you are commenting! You suck :D
I want to bring it up. I want to talk to you about it but I don't know how? When?
Is this really such big of a problem or am I just making things up? I don't know anymore. All I know is that I feel left out. Do you tell me everything that's on your mind nowadays? How come we don't see each other just for fun anymore? Am I a burden? I'm starting to panic, I don't know what to do. I can usually tell you everything, but this has stuck inside my heart and I can't force it to come out. I'm so afraid that we'll grow apart. That's the last thing that I want. But you don't seem happy anymore? You don't seem to engage in us anymore. Always busy. I hate to seem selfish but.. when is it my turn? It seems to me I'm last in the queue. Your negative tone is getting to me. It's getting to me and it's making an impact.
I can't help but feeling a bit left out.
onsdag 22 juli 2009
The blogs that'll be available are:
I don't think I'm deleting this blog, but as you might've noticed I'm not writing much in it.
Might update once in a while, when I need to write something, but that'll probably be it.
onsdag 24 juni 2009
onsdag 3 juni 2009
But I think I've decided to let things be the way they were. For now at least.
I'm not sure if I want anything to happen. Maybe that's what I want.. I don't know. But just for now I'll leave it.
I'm really confused.
fredag 22 maj 2009
Ive been at a holiday in Mallorca, Spain, since last saturday. At the beginning of the week I really didnt feel like being here. It was such a bad timing and all I really wanted to do was go home to all my friends. One friend in particular. BUT I decided to take everyday as they came to make the week feel shorter. I cant really believe that Im already going home! It feels weird.
It´ll probably be a good thing though. Im starting to feel a little dizzy from all the sunlight and its SOOO warm down here x_x
I havent got much to tell you for now though.. Just that the beach is wonderful and the pool is chill.. MY MOM EVEN BATHED THERE MORE THAN I DID! O: Ive like.. bathed twice this week xD But she! She´s bathed a HUNDRED times it seems O_O Im so surprised, since she HATES to bathe O: Thats a shock.
WELL I HAVE TO GO NOW. ¡ADIOS!
fredag 15 maj 2009
What gets to me the most is not problems with love or things like that. Those things are tiny matters in comparison to what truly matters. Friendship and trust.
Friendship and trust are the two things I value more than anything else. What I'm trying to tell you guys is that you should trust each other and think twice before you do something that might hurt a friend. No matter what it's about. Think twice!
I'm also trying to tell you to be honest with each other! If you're feeling hurt by someone, then tell that person what's the matter rather than beating around the bush and trying to avoid that person! That just leads to missunderstanding and more sad feelings.
I talked to the person yesterday and we're all good now. Talking about it is really the best way to solve things. You can't ignore everything that happens. Sometimes you have to step down from your dream world and say "No!". It's important.
I'm going to Mallorca tomorrow! It's an island near Spain. I'm going there with my parents, my younger brother and some people from dads part of the family! It'll be good to get away from Sweden for a while. It feels like I need it.
Let me see your pretty smiles now! :D
onsdag 13 maj 2009
A sad goldfish expression is not what I wanna put on my face right now. I wan't to show you all a big smile. It's fragile and easily gone, but it's there. Somewhere.
It's been interrupted for a while now though. When I woke up it was gone. I went to school and it appeared again. Came home and once again it wouldn't show. At the same time things are getting better, it's getting worse. The deeper I go, the harder it'll be to get to the surface. I'm afraid I might drown.
Yesterday was fun!! I haven't had that much fun for a while now and I really enjoyed the company I had. We laughed and talked about everything. So much in common and still so different. It's kinda weird. The memory makes me laugh.
For some strange reason I fell asleep crying yesterday though.
Well that's something for me to know and for you to not.
måndag 11 maj 2009
What surprises me the most is that I'm not even nervous. Should I be? - Probably.
I NEVER expected this day to come. I never even thought about it, not once. It's funny how things turn out just after you've decided to let someone go. That they'll actually come around and try to get your attention. It's like a friend said; "Cats go to allergic people because they're trying to avoid them". Or something like that.
I'll just wait and see. Maybe I'm not the allergic person. Maybe it's not a big deal.
söndag 10 maj 2009
onsdag 6 maj 2009
tisdag 5 maj 2009
söndag 3 maj 2009
NOOOO DDDDD: OMG! WHYWHYWHY?!
My mom just told me that she gave away our goldfishes to my aunt D:
NOOO LENNART YYYY ;__; xDD
He was the best fish in the world and she just GAVE HIM AWAY!?!?! D: And on top of that he's living OUTSIDE in a pond? D: BLAHH. I don't care about the other fishes
BUT LENNART omg
he was so COOL. Seriously. It's hard to imagen how cool he is if you've never met him, but OMG. He was the coolest fish EVER.
SERIOUSLY. Just by listening to the name "Lennart" you KNOW how cool he is. GAHH.
I'm totally going to mourn for him now.
So LATERz! Y
fredag 1 maj 2009
onsdag 29 april 2009
tisdag 28 april 2009
I've already promised myself not to shead a tear for you, so I won't.
I've also decided that I'm not going to fight for you, since the distance between us is to long even though you're so close I can touch you. I don't want to be the one left broken, so I'm going to leave before it's to late. And I gotta tell you that I'm not sad at all for this. I'm still smiling and I will continue that way.
I'm as happy as allways! :)
I must say that it's really getting to me and annoying me to the limit. But I'll just back of, stop listening and pretend to agree.
It seems to me that some people get blinded by the most stupid things nowadays. And I more and more notice how people around us react on the things we say.
We shouldn't let ourselves be stoped and fooled by such tiny details. Everybody's fighting to be beautiful without noticing how beautiful they already are. "The beauty lays in the watchers eyes", someone told me. I totally agree to that.
But I'd rather be ugly and have true friends that see my true beauty, than be beautiful for everybody else who's shallow eyes only find the weaknesses of my looks. All I wanna be is me. All I wanna have is you. And all I have right now is nothing, it seems.
My friends are allways here for me, I do know that, but sometimes it feels like I'm fighting alone without anyone to help me. It's like climbing a latter without steps. Or swiming without water.
It's going nowhere and getting there.
But don't look sad, I'm still alive and as long as I am I'll keep fighting. Fighting myself.
Being beautiful without good looks is hard, but I'm trying to get there. Not for anything but my own confidence. I want to feel confident one day too.
Pull up your sword, 'cause this is gonna be a long battle. To the limit.